rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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