Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
