Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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