What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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