my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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