I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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