My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
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