When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
