And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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