Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
