You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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