Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I want to make a zoo with you.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
