The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
We talked him into tasing himself.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
