tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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