I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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