Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
