i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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