It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
