We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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