our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You dont lie about slip and slides
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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