I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
