i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
our cab driver is having phone sex.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
