I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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