Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
