My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
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