R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize