You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
