Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
