I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
