i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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