I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
