thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
