i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
