How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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