dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
