The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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