saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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