i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
