turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
