woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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