I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
