Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
