I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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