I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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