Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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