I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
