a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
3pm strippers are depressing
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Randomize