i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
