I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
