Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
