ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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