I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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