the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
