I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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