people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
