mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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