I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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