Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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