even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
