so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
