Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
