mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
