I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
